Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
