matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
