I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
