i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
