I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
