I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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