Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
