i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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