you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
