I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
