it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
