last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
