fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
