she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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