Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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