Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
