I think I am morally bankrupt
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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