Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
