Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
