two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
