I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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