Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Enjoy the penises
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
