i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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