i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
