Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
