tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
