this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it's like iHOP with fire
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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