Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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