I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
