Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can't trust your balls anymore.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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