can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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