Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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