dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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