This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
