Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.