Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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