Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
