just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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