I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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