I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
