I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
