I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
