My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
