my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.