Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
time to smoke my breakfast
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.