how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins