I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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