do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
