so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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