So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
