my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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