just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
