how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
