now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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