I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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