Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
