I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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