If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
