I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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