Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
