I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
